Kintsugi

The Art of Precious Scars

What’s Wrong With The World?

grayscale photo of woman covering her face by her hand
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Do you ever just find yourself looking at the world around you and think, “What in the world is happening?” It seems as if everything is just off. What used to roll off the backs of people now sets them off. The things that glued us to the news, we are now numb to it. People are more agitated, fearful, distrusting, and isolated than ever before. And we all feel it.

But what about our kids? How are they coping?

In a word… poorly.

According to CDC statistics released in March 2022:

  • More than 1 in 3 high school students experienced poor mental health during the pandemic.
  • Nearly half of students felt persistently sad or hopeless.
  • Two-thirds said they had difficulty with understanding or concentrating on schoolwork.
  • More than half of students experienced emotional abuse in their home.
  • A quarter of teens struggled with hunger.
  • Female students were more than twice as likely to have attempted suicide compared to male students.
  • 19.9% of students had seriously considered attempting suicide, and 9.0% had attempted suicide.

While it’s true that so many people young and old are struggling more mentally than before the pandemic, it’s the youth who seem to be a more steady decline. Before COVID-19, suicide was already reported as the second-leading cause of death among people aged 10–34, and the CDC reported that youth mental health was already declining. But since the start of the pandemic, the state of youth mental health has undoubtedly worsened.

How Did We Get Here?

Between the constant comparisons and challenges to keep up with the pressure to perform on social media; the expectation of being “always on” that comes with technology, instantaneous communication and troubling news cycles; the lack of God and His word within the home and/or school; and the isolation, uncertainty, and trauma and grief that have come from an unprecedented global crisis… Young people today are being challenged in ways we couldn’t believe.

For lack of a better way to say it, our youth are in a mental health crisis.

Unfortunately, the way youth respond to their emotional situation is often difficult to predict. Some act out in violence, seeking attention in ways that are completely out of their normal behavior. Some become hypervigilant, fearful of making a mistake, leaving their safe spaces, or making friends. Others might isolate, withdrawing from family, friends, and things they love. Let’s face it, in more instances than we care to accept, our kids feel more safe in their rooms on a computer screen than out in the “real world.” We did that to them. We took away their schools, their friends, their church, their extracurricular activities and stuffed them in their rooms while we spiraled into our fear-based abyss. And even though we have begun to see a bit of normalcy in our daily choices, our kids don’t know how to step back into a world with face-to-face interactions. It’s a lot. And too often we say to them, “Just suck it up. You’re young; you can handle it.”

Reality check … they can’t handle it! They don’t know how and we aren’t helping them. So they do what they know… they learn from us. If you are an adult who doesn’t talk about your feelings, neither will your kids. If you act out in violence, so will your kids. If you don’t pray to God, neither will your kids. Our youth are looking to us for leadership. They want to know how to handle things and we simply are letting them down because WE aren’t handling things well at all.

The Church Response

Recently, a 14-year-old said to me, “Is there anywhere we can go where we feel safe and can just be kids?”

That question nearly crushed me. Because the truth is that there is no where any of us can go in this world and not be touched by evil in some way. It’s infiltrated our homes, churches, schools, businesses, governments, sports… the list goes on and on. Evil is something humankind has encountered since the Garden of Eden. And the only response to evil is God.

I can’t help but wonder where our churches are because they aren’t stepping up. As a whole, churches have dropped the ball on the basic premise of providing hope to the hurting world through the spreading of the Gospel. Churches have become, instead, a place of entertainment, political activism, and acceptance of sin. We can’t accept this any longer as Christians. When we said yes to Jesus Christ’s invitation to eternal salvation, we also agreed to the Great Commission: Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. (Matthew 28:19-20)

Our kids are desperately seeking hope because they are living in a hopeless world. If we don’t share with them “to obey everything [Jesus has] commanded” we are complicit in the suicides, school shootings, gang violence, pornography, unwanted pregnancies, gender confusion, bullying, and more. It’s their blood on our hands if we stay quiet about the very thing they need to know most… sin. Sin is what separates us from God. If we don’t know what the sin is, how can we ever expect to grow close to Him to have the very hope we are most seeking?

What can you do?

Listen. Stop trying to talk AT your kids or simply brushing their concerns aside as if they’re not important. Really listen to your kids. Create a space in your day when you put your phone down, turn off the TV, and just listen to your child. What was great about their day? What wasn’t so good? Why? How are they doing? Is there something they are struggling with? These are just a few questions parents can ask and then just really listen to their answers. If more parents did this, more young lives would be saved.

Make God important in your life. If your kids see you studying the word of God, praying, attending church, and spending time with others studying God’s word, they will see how important that relationship is in their own life. But if your priorities do not show God at the top every day, then neither will your kids. God is always there but the relationship can only happen if you nurture it.

Set boundaries. Believe it or not, kids prefer rules over free-range parenting. God set a clear boundary with Adam and Eve and they broke it. We are still paying for those consequences. Set clear boundaries with your kids. Be nosey about their electronic communications. Don’t let them stay behind a closed bedroom door all the time. Monitor their friends. Be the parent! The friendship comes once they are adults.

Ask for help. Believe it or not, parents don’t know everything. Not only that, but as a parent, you are more invested in your child than anyone else in the world so it’s sometimes difficult to be unbiased when they are going through things. That’s why therapists exists! We are the unbiased professionals trained to help people navigate difficult situations. There is no shame in talking to someone. In fact, seeing a therapist is as normal as seeing a physician. So, if your child is struggling, ask if they would like to talk to a therapist. And if they come to you can say they want to go to counseling, applaud them for taking an active role in their mental health and then act upon their request. And vet the therapist. I love it when parents want to meet with me. You’re trusting your child with someone so you need to know who it is. If you want Christian counseling, make sure the therapist follows scripture. If you need a trauma specialist, ask for their experience working with trauma. Ask questions and then make a decision.

It is easy to throw statistics and what-ifs at you. But it’s the kids we have to really focus on. Our youth are lost and we are the ones who are supposed to be guiding them. It’s time to step up and do the hard work. If you know of a young person struggling, please reach out to First Step Counseling. If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, please call 988. Someone is available 24-hours a day to help you. You are not alone.

Betrayal Trauma and the Church

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.– Psalm 34:18

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When violence, physical or emotional, is witnessed or perpetuated against someone, trauma is often the outcome. The spirit and sense of one’s very being become crushed.

For Christians, of course, trauma is of great concern.  Jesus came to heal and to bring justice, as well as to invite us into his perfect eternal kingdom, where pain and sadness no longer exist. Jesus is the one who takes dead things and brings them to life:

For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd, and he will guide them to springs of the water of life, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes (Revelation 7:17).  

We are promised life through living water.

Therefore, all the sexual, physical, and emotional abuse and violence all around us are opportunities for our faith to provide a haven. They are also opportunities for the church to be an incubator where the very being of our personhood might come back to life again. Unfortunately, trauma is often ignored or hidden, even in the church.

Approximately 60% of the US population has experienced at least one traumatic event and 1 out of 3 will develop PTSD. It is highly likely you or someone you know has experienced trauma: physical, emotional, spiritual, or sexual.

As a Clinical Certified Trauma Professional, I spend my days walking with men, women, and children who have experienced some type of trauma. There is one type of trauma that I am seeing more of that people may not be as familiar with—betrayal trauma.

If someone close to you has ever broken your trust, you’ve probably felt the sting of betrayal. Regardless of the infraction, betrayal can leave wounds. But betrayal trauma goes a step further, leaving deep wounds that can feel impossible to heal because you’ve been betrayed by someone or group you trust. Betrayal trauma is a type of trauma that refers to the pain and emotional distress that occurs when a trusted institution, loved one, or intimate partner violates someone’s trust. Betrayal trauma may occur alongside things like gaslighting and lead to anxiety and depression. However, through the grace of God and good therapy you can heal from this trauma.

Types of Betrayal Trauma

There are four different types of betrayal trauma.

  • Parental: When a parent or caretaker, someone you depend on for your needs to be met, abuses you or fails to protect you from harm.
  • Intimate Partner: When the person doing the betraying is your intimate partner. This can take place when your partner is having an emotional affair or a physical affair. If one of the partners has an active sexual addiction, there is often betrayal present.
  • Institutional: When an institution impacts you in a way that is in direct opposition to what they portray themselves to be or their stated mottos and goals. This can also occur when the institution protects the perpetrator instead of supporting the victim or “whistleblower.” This may include a religious institution, educational institution, the military, healthcare systems, etc.
  • Interpersonal: When a trusted friend, peer, or individual betrays your trust.

Betrayal trauma occurs when a person or an organization that you depend on goes outside your expectation of them in a way that is hurtful to you. The amount of trauma caused has to do with the impact on you. If your car gets rear-ended in traffic, your level of trauma may not be as profound as if you were to find out that your spouse of 20 years has been carrying on an affair with your best friend.

Betrayal trauma is the trauma that results from betrayal by a trusted person or institution. Betrayal trauma theory seeks to understand how an individual will interpret that betrayal and store it in his or her memory. This theory predicts that the more necessary a person or institution is deemed to be in a person’s life, the more likely there will be an “unawareness” or “blindness” to that betrayal. Third party observers are often left wondering, how can they not see what is happening?

We can’t blame those who are the victims of this type of trauma because too often they are unable to see it until the pain is too profound, and the damage is done. But, as Christians, we can do much more than we currently are to help in the healing process.

How can the church be The Church?

1. Be a caring community.

There is one fundamental way in which the church as the Body of Christ can be critical partners to the mental health community in a survivor’s healing journey. Trauma survivors need to be seen, valued, and connected to a caring community. The church is called to be the living body of Christ, and that is spiritual work. Because trauma survivors need to feel safe, the church commits itself to provide shalom love and gracious hospitality.

Any kind of trauma changes the body so that the traumatic experience gets trapped inside a person. The church can create an environment that gives the individual body a chance to heal.  The church and her leaders need to learn to be listeners, receiving the stories of trauma survivors. Just simply listening and bearing witness to the truth of another’s experience is a significant step in the healing process.

It’s not easy to be a listener. It can feel very heavy. But we must remember that Christ’s Light is unquenchable—and darkness can not overcome it. And that is the gift the church can give back to those in need.

2. Refuse to excuse or explain away abusive power.

Every church should develop policies that assure no tolerance for any type of sexism, abuse, or bullying. The church should have the highest ethic for treating people with respect and have the highest motivation for protecting the vulnerable. When we, as Christians, live our lives reflecting our beliefs, we become a true refuge. If we show tolerance of evil, either through our actions or words, we perpetuate the trauma and potentially drive someone away from God.

3. Have a relationship with the mental health community.

Churches that are advocates for trauma survivors preach the Gospel and have a collaboration with mental health experts. There are many things churches are good at, but mental health counseling is not one of them. Too often, spiritual leaders step out of their lane into areas they need to refer out. But when a church finds good Christian therapists who are clinically licensed, they are exhibiting the love of Christ but ensuring the best for the ones in need.

4. Encourage people to talk to Jesus about their pain, trauma, abuse, and healing.

It’s so heartbreaking to talk with those who have experienced betrayal trauma and they are unaware they can rely on God’s strength. Churches should encourage constant communication with God. And it’s truly quite simple to have prayers and verses available to give to those who are in need but don’t know where to even begin.

  • A trauma victim’s prayer: Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings, I will take refuge, until the destroying storms pass by. Psalm 57: 1
  • A trauma victim’s hope: God sustains me in a desert land, in a howling wilderness waste; God shields me, cares for me, guards me as the apple of his eye. As an eagle stirs up its nest and hovers over its young; as it spreads its wings, takes them up, and bears them aloft on its pinions, the Lord alone guides me. Deut. 32: 10-12a 

In Colossians, Paul wrote to those who believe:

For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life is revealed, then you also will be revealed with him in glory. (Col. 3:3-4)

The trauma survivor is not crushed. Within the survivor is a life hidden with Christ and in God. That is a powerful reminder of the hope and healing that comes from God Almighty. The church can provide sanctuary, a place hidden with Christ in God for all who have suffered from any type of trauma.

“Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death and burst their bonds apart. Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man! For he shatters the doors of bronze and cuts in two the bars of iron.” — Psalm 107:13-16

In This Chair

There is just something about this chair. It’s the place where a thousand tears have been shed and laughter has been shared. It’s big enough to curl up in and comfortable enough to stretch out freely. This chair is the safe place people have come to in order to heal. It’s the uncomfortable place people find themselves when they need to be challenged.

It’s tough being a therapist’s chair. It’s a lot of responsibility. It must be comfortable enough to ease someone’s anxiety. It must be strong enough to hold their burdens. It must be firm enough to hold them up when they can’t find the strength. It must be water resistant to catch all of the tears. And it must be completely silent in order to hear the desperate whisper of a broken heart.

Oh the stories this chair could share.

In this chair, people tell their therapist everything. The things they are proud of and the things that overwhelm them with shame. And while sitting in this chair, it can seem like just talking isn’t enough. Yet, on the way home, your heart feels so much better.

There’s just something about this chair.

This chair has cradled the cries of the world in its methodical rocking. And as I’ve listened to these cries, I can’t help but extend a piece of me to each fractured heart. I pray with each person that they will feel God’s presence and healing as they share, cry, laugh, and sometimes scream in the silence of their soul.

The last several weeks, this chair has worked overtime. There has been so much pain here. As I listened to a patient share immense desperation, I could feel my heart literally breaking. I think I may have even taken a quick breath just to assure myself my heart still worked. And if this is what I’m feeling, imagine what God must be experiencing. He feels all we feel; experiences all we experience.

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” —Psalm 53:8

Someone asked me once why therapy worked. It’s because within each one of us we want to be known; we want to be heard. And that’s what therapy really is, in a nut shell. It’s one person choosing to see and hear another person, even in the midst of their darkest moment. And that’s what we want from God. We want to know He sees us and hears us. We want to be known to Him.

The crippling part of emotional pain is the isolation that comes with it. When we experience pain our natural tendency is to shut everyone out. Satan counts on us to isolate ourselves from those around us. If Satan can use your pain to separate you from Jesus Christ then he is doing his job because he is constantly looking to devour and deceive (1 Peter 5:8).

There is nothing worse than experiencing a painful season and feeling unseen. It is a crushing sensation to experience heartache and feel as if nobody cares. I know, because I have experienced this before. We fall victim and believe that our season of pain is so unique that nobody could ever relate to it and that nobody will ever understand why we feel how we do. And the longer we feel that way, the more isolated and hopeless we can become.

I cannot tell you the number of times that someone sitting in this chair has said, “No one can understand. No one can possibly know what it feels like to hurt this much.” Oh, sweet child, there is someone who knows.

(Jesus) began to be deeply distressed and troubled. “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.” —Mark 13:33

Jesus Christ, Emmanuel (God With Us), was overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. He was so deeply distressed and troubled that His sweat turned to blood. For us to ever think that our Lord and Savior cannot comprehend what we are going through is completely wrong.

Jesus knows all about pain and He knows your pain. He knows your depression. He knows your misery. He knows your thoughts. He knows your secret guilt. He knows your deepest fears. He knows you fully. Jesus is relational. He is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). He heals and binds our wounds (Psalm 147:3). He is faithful and will do what He says (1 Thessalonians 5:24). Jesus is the epitome of love (1 John 4:8), He is forgiving (Matthew 18:21-35), slow to anger, gracious, and compassionate (Nehemiah 9:17). Jesus Christ, the Highest Priest and the only Savior of mankind, is all we need. In Him, there is freedom (Galatians 5:1).1

With all of the pain, self-doubt, desperation, and hopelessness that finds its way in this chair, I pray that each person also experiences the profound healing of Jesus Christ. I pray they know that God’s mercy is greater than anything the world can give. I long for each broken heart to be filled with the healing of the Holy Spirit. If you don’t feel like you can talk to God, find a chair. I promise that if it’s a good chair, you’ll have a good listener.

1Marcus Donaldson, God Knows Your Pain, 2019

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